Every year, thousands of proponents come out of the woodwork to complain about how they miss the glory days of NBA All-Star Weekend. In particular, they tend to miss the days when the biggest names participated in the dunk contest. Names such as Spud Webb, Shelton Jones, and the original NBA champion Darnell Hillman.
This complaints, while likely merited, ultimately don’t hold up. Beyond the All-Star game itself, the rest of the weekend struggles to stay relevant. Nobody is amazed by Kevin Hart’s antics on Friday nights anymore, since he’s successfully appeared in every film of the past 12 months. There must be more ideas out there that can spice up the weekend. In fact, I have a few right here:
-Slamball All-Star Weekend
Remember Slamball? Of course you don’t. Does it still exist? Nobody knows. But don’t act for a second like you don’t love Slamball more than watching Snoop Doglion jogging around the court in a cloud of smoke.
- Space Jam On Ice
Easy choice. Second greatest movie of all time, combined with one of the few things we care about in regards to the Winter Olympics. Except now we’ve taken skating shows and turned them into something that not only women and children are interested in. Thanks to Space Jam, which brings us all together, everyone with at least some sort of blood pumping through their bodies will tune in to the first night of the weekend.
- JJ Abram’s HORSE
HORSE has been a sensitive subject over the course of All-Star history. It’s been put down and resurrected many times over the years, yet always as uninteresting each time. The key? Bringing in the man tasked with making both Star Trek and Star Wars relevant again. What will happen this year? Durant in an alternate universe? The return of Rafer Alston, Lord of the Streetball Sith? It’s really the only logical choice.
- An Offensive Seminar Led By Will Muschamp
Yeah, I did this joke before, but I still want to see it happen.
- Dodgeball
Everyone wants to see Lebron in the dunk contest, sure. But wouldn’t you also want to see him hurling a playground ball at Blake Griffin’s head, White Goodman style.
Who let you dress yourself?
- A Tour of Russell Westbrook’s Closet
I’m thinking something along the lines of MTV Cribs but now that I think about it, this would probably take the whole weekend to cover. Plus trying to figure out why he enjoys his particular brand of “fashion” would dive deeply into realms of the human psyche none of us are qualified to look at. Not worth it.
- Kobe’s Rehab Adventure: an animated movie
Educational and fun for the whole family! We can get a different acclaimed cartoonist to do it each year. Plus, at this rate and point in his life, there’s a solid chance we’ll get material from Kobe to carry us through the next 20 All-Star Weekends.
Got any great ideas? Comment!
